The Insatiable Desire to Consume

This Lent I am striving to embrace the natural rhythms of life authentically, come what may.

Something I discovered during these first four days of Lent is that I am so good at stuffing all manner of things into the abyss in my soul. Superficial literature, imagined storylines, Instagram posts, Pinterest boards, Youtube videos, online shopping, bakeries, caffeine, and so. much. more.

In the weeks leading into Lent, I was beginning to suspect that I was overstimulated. I couldn't focus for more than a few sentences, my reading comprehension was garbage, and after a few minutes spent on a task, I could feel myself itching for something pretty to look at. I also noticed that the speed at which I scrolled had increased to the maximum: I could hardly focus on any particular image, but if something somehow managed to make an impact, I would hover on it for less than 6 seconds. Every area of my life felt controlled by this insatiable desire to consume content. 

Wasting time on Youtube trying to "unwind" in the evening left me laying in bed wired and wide awake. Online "window shopping" and Instagram scrolling sabotaged any sense of productivity and accomplishment from my "work" day. Spending so much time looking at staged images of falsely perfect homes meant mine was piling up with dirty dishes, dusty corners, and crumby floors. 

I was feeling pushed out of my own space both from the pressure of a messy environment and from the harried lack of peace in my soul. 

I pursued these ceaseless pastimes to escape. I didn't want to carry the burden of hard work, so I "balanced" my workday with empty and superficial activities that numbed my mind and memory. I didn't want to deal with small spells of being alone so I filled 10 minutes here and an hour there with trips to cafes to suppress my heart with buttery delights and impress upon my eyes people being together. I enjoyed their love and their company vicariously.

None of it came close to filling my indefinite longing. They were dissatisfying and meaningless distractions. After two months I can attest that the abyss is as empty as ever. 

Living without the distractions during Lent means I must consciously live with the emptiness. 

I've replaced them responsibly: instead of wasting my evenings I wash and massage my face, put on comfy pajamas that I can move in the next morning, and read and pray before easily slipping into a deep and blissful sleep. Instead of lacking motivation and focus I read hard, enjoy my classes more, and legitimately have free time to write and create: sources of joy much more steady and long-lasting than scrolling social media. I listen to podcasts, pray, hope, love my people, and am genuinely joyful. 

But I am still longing. It is acute at times and dormant at others. Sometimes my cup feels full and sometimes I am raw with thirst. 

We'll see what the next week brings.

Love,

Laney <3